Until the Day I Die (Part one)

Hello, 

Sorry for not having written anything recently, but I have been so busy with work and life in general. It’s been just crazy this past semester! Anyway, as summer is finally here, things are slowing down at work and I can start writing and sharing again. 

 

In the coming days, I will be sharing three things that I will do until the day I die:

1.  Stay married to “The Missus,”

Now some may wonder what does this have to do with Japan? Well, all three of the aforementioned are directly related to my being in Japan. If fate (or God or the gods) had planned for me to stay in the States or go somewhere else, I doubt I would be living the life I am. Having said that, I can honestly say I have no regrets. The quality of life in Tokyo isn’t the best, but I am sure that any city/country will have its challenges.

But sticking to my point, I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman who is the mother of two nut-cases – I  mean two lovely boys! She is a soulmate if there ever was one and while I complain about her inability to tidy up the house (I do more housework than she does!) I really can’t complain. Many would say she is lucky, but I think we both are. People I meet on both sides of the Pacific have asked me over the years (going on 20! – since we first met) why did I choose to go out with a Japanese woman. I honestly answer that it never crossed my mind that she was Japanese. She is “Kazumi” or more recently “The Missus” and her nationality is irrelevant to me. She is honest, hard-working, a wonderful throwback to the woman of yesteryear who can do anything: sew, quilt, cook, clean, make unbelievably complex lunches for the kids, you name it. And yet, she is very modern. She has her master’s degree in counseling psychology (both her BA and MA are from our alma mater in the States), is a published author, is a partner in a counseling clinic, teaches part-time at a medical university, never forgets to recycle, and sings pretty well, too! Lastly, I doubt if there is anyone on the planet who knows me better. All of which has not one iota to do with her not having the same nationality, religious background, or socioeconomic status. With so little in common originally, we have learned from one another about each other and ourselves and consequently have grown through our time together. Perfect? Nope. Easy? Definitely not! Happy? You bet your ass! 

 

Stay tuned for #2 on my list! 

 

GBUJ

Eeek! It’s a Woman!

This time I am going to write about the often shocking truth about male-female relationships in Japan.

Generally speaking, my friends and I have noticed over the years that men in Japan just don’t seem to like women. In fact, we are pretty certain that if given the chance to choose, most men (90%?!) would prefer the company of other men. Now don’t misunderstand what I am saying, I am not making any statement about sex or sexual preference, but just sharing the fact that men in Japan don’t seem to know how to relate to women and like being amongst other men. What else could explain “customs” such as men eating together, drinking togteher, and even going to the bathroom together – not holding hands, but almost! Or, the quaint custom of men completely ignoring women. On countless occasions, I have been in my workplace walking from here to there with a female friend, we meet a male colleague and my friend is completely ignored! Doesn’t matter who the woman is either! Men will say “hi” to me and nothing whatsoever to my colleague. Why? One theory I have is the “Eeek! It’s a Woman Theory.” For many men in Japan, a woman is similar to a mouse: something smaller, insignificant, generally harmless, and yet when troublesome worthy of a good whack.

Just as in any culture, size matters and while men in Japan aren’t generally giants, the woman are smaller and therefore from a physicality aspect – perceived as the weaker sex. Second, there is definitely a “bamboo” ceiling in corporate and academia Japan. For some reason, women in Japan just can’t be taken seriously. I work with some very highly educated women and I really feel for them! They get little or no respect for their achievements or hard work. They are easily passed over for promotion and generally expected to quit work once they marry and get pregnant. Of course, one of the main reasons for getting married in Japan (over 50% of the time) is pregnancy. Since no one will help with raising the child, the mother has no choice but to stay home. While foreign women in Japan are treated a little better than their counterparts, I have seen so much misogynism in my time in Japan that I count my lucky stars that I am a man!

How bad can it get? Well, the “whack” I mention above is not meant in any metaphorical sense whatsoever! A good portion of the male population will feel at ease beating a woman. Best examples – politicians and police. As I mentioned in a previous posting there are “gaps” in language. Just as there is no word for privacy in Japanese there is also no word for domestic violence. If there is no word, then how can you have a law banning it? Now, in fairness, there is a term in katakana for domestic violence, but like so many other borrowed words/ideas from the West/English, no two people in Japan would give you the same definition of DV. If a husband, boyfriend, stranger, or even a stalker hits a woman, there is often little punishment. I have read numerous stories in newspapers about the punishments (or lack thereof) for men who rape, beat, or even kill female acquaintances. However, interestingly enough, when the tables are turned, it is depressing to note that wives who kill their husbands (often due to years of beatings) often get the book thrown at them. Go figure!

Anyway, I thought I would share something about the sexes in Japan. Of course, turnabout is fair play and generally speaking women don’t really want to hang out with the men either. They prefer their girlfriends. But, what are the consequences? Well, when a gentleman (such as yours truly) treats a women with respect, kindness, and courtesy, one of two things generally happens: a) they really appreciate the treatment or b) they are shocked and mistrustful and often show no appreciation whatsoever for my having held the door for them, helped them carry something heavy, or having given them my seat on a crowded bus or train. I am sad to report that the latter response is much more common than the former. But, what can you do? If I were treated as a mouse all of my life, I would probably be suspicious and unappreciative, too.

Thanks for reading!

GBUJ

Motivation in Japan: One word – Jealousy!(Part one)

This week I will share one of the worst kept secrets about people in Japan, i.e. jealousy, and the ramifications for everyday life.

Now I am not sure how you were raised, but in my upbringing jealousy was a sin. However, in Japan, I am pretty sure it ranks right up there with favorite pastimes such as running to catch a train, slurping noodles, or working unpaid overtime. In fact, one of the most common expressions in Japan is “ii na” – often pronounced “iiiiiii naaaa” for emphasis. This expression is used when someone is envious of what someone else has or is doing. However, depending on the situation, many native speakers of Japanese will do all they can to deflect the envy – while secretly gloating inside. See, being the object of jealousy means being set up for a downfall. Whether it is politics, business, the Japanese world of entertainment, or simply ones neighbors, being envied almost always means being brought down to size – often with a considerable amount of pain and embarrassment. In a way, people and institutions in Japan are their worst enemy! Watching the daily news is more or less a lesson in watching someone being set up as “special” – or the flavor of the day – and then eventually being ripped to shreds. Happens all the time! Which ultimately begs the question, why the fear of foreigners? Who knows? But, no one will ever hurt institutions and people in Japan more than their “hobby” of looking for someone to be jealous of and then destroying them.

So how did I come about this knowledge? Was it personal experience? No. More than 15 years ago I worked for a woman who worked for Ferragamo – the fashion house. Like most enlightening experiences it also consisted of a lot of pain. Ever seen the “Devil Wears Prada?” My boss was exactly the same! But even to this day, lessons I learned from her still “help” me. One of which was the culture of jealousy in Japan and how it works. My boss, for example, thought anyone who wanted to be “famous” on TV in Japan was an idiot. She probably could have been with her style, knowledge, and background in fashion, but  she absolutely refused. Staying ”under the radar,” she said, was so important. And over the years I have seen that it is very true! When I asked what motivated consumers in Japan to spend so much money on brand-name goods in Japan she said it in one word – JEALOUSY. For many people (not everyone obviously) nothing will drive them nuts more than seeing Tiffany, Gucci, or Louis Vuitton on their friend. They will absolutely need to have something equal or better, i.e. more prestigious and expensive - whether they need it or not. But then you would say that doesn’t make sense, and you would be exactly right! Like I have said in previous posts, logic is not a value in Japan and this is a perfect example.

In short, thinking of selling your product in Japan? Simply get people jealous of one another over it and it will sell like hotcakes!

Thanks for reading,

GBUJ 

Peaceful Japan – My Ass!

One of the stereotypes about Japan that bothers me the most is that people in Japan somehow value and practice “peace” more than other people around the world. In reality, I feel that the opposite could very well be true and here are a number of examples to prove my point:

•  Come to Japan and be prepared to be: pushed, bumped, and stepped on – and that is just from the old ladies or “babas” in train stations or on trains! Then there are the smokers who will blow smoke in your face or dump cigarette ashes on you. And don’t get me started on the motorcycles without mufflers!

• In terms of educating: pain is the best teacher. This is “common sense” for many people in Japan. I have seen teachers, parents, and others in teaching roles literally beat their lesson into their pupils – and it is commonly accepted! One would think that those “shy” little women in Japan would never be violent, but you would be wrong! If they have the upper hand, i.e. are senpai – or senior, anyone will commonly revert to physical and psychological violence towards their ward. The worst I have ever seen was on a TV program on the police. The cadets are basically beat silly (physically and psychologically) and this is considered professional.

• Probably one of the biggest jokes in Japan is the just the term “peace.” I see rallies, textbook entries, movies, TV documentaries, and newspaper articles praising Japan’s contribution to peace in the world, but what is really meant is peace for Japan that wants nothing to do with the rest of the world. In short, these peace activists in Japan want to act like ostriches and bury their heads in the sand and ignore the reality of the  world around them. When North Korea fired missles over the country, the Japanese government did nothing. Heck, if I recall correctly, the American government told CNN and the Japanese had learn about the “tests” from America. Shocking! One letter in the Japan Times hit the nail on the head with this:

http://search.japantimes.co.jp/cgi-bin/rc20080228a2.html

Thanks for reading,

GBUJ

Working in Japan: 10 Ways to Earn Respect

Last summer I had the pleasure of addressing about 30 young people who were coming to Japan to work. They were all in the JET Program. For those who are unfamiliar with this program, in a nutshell it is Japan’s effort at easing the trade imbalance between the States (and other countries?) and Japan. I mean, it is a program whereby young people (older people with experience aren’t allowed) come to Japan and work as assistant English teachers in junior and senior high schools. It started in the late 1980s and pretty much has been a complete failure in terms of educational goals and English education curriculum. But that isn’t really the focus of this entry. Rather I wish to focus on what I said to these young people right out of Narita airport. Basically, I gave a presentation on what to expect in the participants’ upcoming year in Japan and how to avoid certain traps and cultural landmines awaiting them. In no particular order here are the words of advice I imparted:

• Dress code: Basically coming from the States, Canada, the UK, and so on, you have slipped back in time. English teachers in Japan, in particular, are some of the most conservative people I have ever met. You will be expected to look like a teacher, i.e. wearing a suit. Whether you can teach or not is besides the point. Just have to look like a teacher.

For women, this means no nipples (nothing could freak out Japanese people – especially the men - more than “weather knobs!” Also skirt length (below the knees is preferable) and never any tattoos!

For men, invest in undershirts! You will sweat here (especially since very few schools will have air conditioners) and turning all of your white shirts yellow can add up in terms of dry cleaning. Save a ton of money and get the non-iron shirts from Brooks Brothers! The best buy ever!

• Classroom etiquette: The worst thing you could do is sit on a desk. Well, no that’s not exactly right. “Disrespecting” a textbook, dropping it on the floor, stepping on it, etc…  is probably just as bad if not worse. Never forget that everything you do, every movement, every gesture, everything will be watched and “judged” by your audience.

• Don’t try to speak Japanese in the classroom. Even if your Japanese is excellent, you are not here for your Japanese skills, you are there for your knowledge of English. Well, actually you are here just because Toyota sells too many cars in the States and other countries – you’ll see what I mean after about a week. I don’t think there are too many other cultures in the world were people will most likely make fun of you for trying to speak their language. Butchering the Japanese language will not earn you any respect in Japan.

• Don’t try to “fix” anything. You are a guest, a visitor, in general a nobody. Yes you may have studied education (even in graduate school) and have a teaching license from your home country, but that means absolutely nothing here. Believe it or not there is “a way” things are done here and you being here for even a year or two means absolutely nothing. I have been here 17 years and I survive by generally keeping my mouth shut.

• If you sincerely care about what others here think of you, learn a martial art or some other art specific to Japan. Big brownie points! Orgasmic in some cases. I speak Japanese fluently  – no big deal. I have a degree from Columbia – it’s OK. I bought a nice house in the center of Tokyo at the age of 32 – that impresses. But being a 4th degree blackbelt (going on 5) – nothing gets more oohs and aahs. Remember time here is thought of differently. 40 is our 20 and maybe after trying to perfect your “craft” after 50 years – then you can say you know something.

• “Part two”concerning your appearance (part one was the dress code above): You can’t change. A friend of a friend was ordered by her boss to return her hair color to its “original” blond, even though she was a true brunette. Rationale – it would be too “shocking” for students to see that she wasn’t really a blond. Be ready for people to point out all kinds of changes you make. The top of everyone’s list, without a doubt, is your weight. It seems like this is on everyone’s mind all the time in this country. If you are the least bit weight conscious – don’t come to Japan! I can not tell you how many times I have people (even friends) come up and say, “you gained weight, haven’t you” or the always flattering “you are fat.”  Actually this was like the third point I raised in my presentation and I think half of the kids were ready to return home already! Japan has a lot of “weight Nazis” – be prepared!

• Be ready to have tons of smoke blown up your ass. It is an art form here in Japan. Don’t give much credence to the majority of what people say to you. Flattery is a national pastime and most people know it for what it is –  BS. I can’t tell you how many times I have been praised for being able to use chopsticks, speaking the language, eating anything put in front of me, knowing obvious historical facts and figures, and so on…. I am by no means special but if I believed everything I have been told over the years, I’d think I was the second coming of Jesus. (Unfortunately, there are many non-Japanese who believe everything they are told and it does go to their head – they often have serious issues when they learn they can’t walk on water!)

• Don’t be surprised if people want to know everything about you. You will be treated as a kind of “rock-star” and in return you will be asked all kinds of questions – most of them highly personal. Ironically, many of the questions about love life, the other sex, and so on… would be taboo questions for most people in Japan. I will never forget a visiting professor asking a student about where she went out on weekends and with whom. The student in particular turned beet red in the face (probably out of fear and embarrassment) and the other students and myself cringed. I never bring up relationships with 99% of the people I know in Japan. It just isn’t talked about! But, they will ask you anyway. Go figure!

• Don’t make any observations about physicality. People in Japan know they are vertically challenged with stubby legs and extremities and unusually long torsos and some monstrous “heeds” (Hideki Matsui of the NY Yankees has like the 2nd largest melon in the majors – and he isn’t that big!) they don’ t need to be reminded. Observe, note, but keep it to yourself.

Lastly, after people got somewhat over the shock of what I was saying, I think I fielded a question or two about work in Japan. In Japan working long and not smart is a kind of virtue. The example I used was Michael Scott from “The Office.” (God I love that show! – You’ll read why in a minute.) In one episode he is complaining to the camera that Jim does such and such a job in only 30 minutes. The same job takes Michael 8 hours to accomplish. So in Michael’s mind, Jim is not a hard worker and he is. I would say that most of the people you come in contact with in Japan will be variations (only slightly different) of Michael Scott. I even used his picture in my Powerpoint slides. Love the show because even 7,000 miles away on the other side of the planet I feel everyone’s pain from “The Office!” If you can’t handle that TV show, you will undoubtedly hate your time in Japan!

         Sorry to have gotten out of hand with this one, but I thought it would be of interest to some of you.

         Thanks for reading,

          GBUJ