Until the Day I Die (Part one)

Hello, 

Sorry for not having written anything recently, but I have been so busy with work and life in general. It’s been just crazy this past semester! Anyway, as summer is finally here, things are slowing down at work and I can start writing and sharing again. 

 

In the coming days, I will be sharing three things that I will do until the day I die:

1.  Stay married to “The Missus,”

Now some may wonder what does this have to do with Japan? Well, all three of the aforementioned are directly related to my being in Japan. If fate (or God or the gods) had planned for me to stay in the States or go somewhere else, I doubt I would be living the life I am. Having said that, I can honestly say I have no regrets. The quality of life in Tokyo isn’t the best, but I am sure that any city/country will have its challenges.

But sticking to my point, I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman who is the mother of two nut-cases – I  mean two lovely boys! She is a soulmate if there ever was one and while I complain about her inability to tidy up the house (I do more housework than she does!) I really can’t complain. Many would say she is lucky, but I think we both are. People I meet on both sides of the Pacific have asked me over the years (going on 20! – since we first met) why did I choose to go out with a Japanese woman. I honestly answer that it never crossed my mind that she was Japanese. She is “Kazumi” or more recently “The Missus” and her nationality is irrelevant to me. She is honest, hard-working, a wonderful throwback to the woman of yesteryear who can do anything: sew, quilt, cook, clean, make unbelievably complex lunches for the kids, you name it. And yet, she is very modern. She has her master’s degree in counseling psychology (both her BA and MA are from our alma mater in the States), is a published author, is a partner in a counseling clinic, teaches part-time at a medical university, never forgets to recycle, and sings pretty well, too! Lastly, I doubt if there is anyone on the planet who knows me better. All of which has not one iota to do with her not having the same nationality, religious background, or socioeconomic status. With so little in common originally, we have learned from one another about each other and ourselves and consequently have grown through our time together. Perfect? Nope. Easy? Definitely not! Happy? You bet your ass! 

 

Stay tuned for #2 on my list! 

 

GBUJ

Eeek! It’s a Woman!

This time I am going to write about the often shocking truth about male-female relationships in Japan.

Generally speaking, my friends and I have noticed over the years that men in Japan just don’t seem to like women. In fact, we are pretty certain that if given the chance to choose, most men (90%?!) would prefer the company of other men. Now don’t misunderstand what I am saying, I am not making any statement about sex or sexual preference, but just sharing the fact that men in Japan don’t seem to know how to relate to women and like being amongst other men. What else could explain “customs” such as men eating together, drinking togteher, and even going to the bathroom together – not holding hands, but almost! Or, the quaint custom of men completely ignoring women. On countless occasions, I have been in my workplace walking from here to there with a female friend, we meet a male colleague and my friend is completely ignored! Doesn’t matter who the woman is either! Men will say “hi” to me and nothing whatsoever to my colleague. Why? One theory I have is the “Eeek! It’s a Woman Theory.” For many men in Japan, a woman is similar to a mouse: something smaller, insignificant, generally harmless, and yet when troublesome worthy of a good whack.

Just as in any culture, size matters and while men in Japan aren’t generally giants, the woman are smaller and therefore from a physicality aspect – perceived as the weaker sex. Second, there is definitely a “bamboo” ceiling in corporate and academia Japan. For some reason, women in Japan just can’t be taken seriously. I work with some very highly educated women and I really feel for them! They get little or no respect for their achievements or hard work. They are easily passed over for promotion and generally expected to quit work once they marry and get pregnant. Of course, one of the main reasons for getting married in Japan (over 50% of the time) is pregnancy. Since no one will help with raising the child, the mother has no choice but to stay home. While foreign women in Japan are treated a little better than their counterparts, I have seen so much misogynism in my time in Japan that I count my lucky stars that I am a man!

How bad can it get? Well, the “whack” I mention above is not meant in any metaphorical sense whatsoever! A good portion of the male population will feel at ease beating a woman. Best examples – politicians and police. As I mentioned in a previous posting there are “gaps” in language. Just as there is no word for privacy in Japanese there is also no word for domestic violence. If there is no word, then how can you have a law banning it? Now, in fairness, there is a term in katakana for domestic violence, but like so many other borrowed words/ideas from the West/English, no two people in Japan would give you the same definition of DV. If a husband, boyfriend, stranger, or even a stalker hits a woman, there is often little punishment. I have read numerous stories in newspapers about the punishments (or lack thereof) for men who rape, beat, or even kill female acquaintances. However, interestingly enough, when the tables are turned, it is depressing to note that wives who kill their husbands (often due to years of beatings) often get the book thrown at them. Go figure!

Anyway, I thought I would share something about the sexes in Japan. Of course, turnabout is fair play and generally speaking women don’t really want to hang out with the men either. They prefer their girlfriends. But, what are the consequences? Well, when a gentleman (such as yours truly) treats a women with respect, kindness, and courtesy, one of two things generally happens: a) they really appreciate the treatment or b) they are shocked and mistrustful and often show no appreciation whatsoever for my having held the door for them, helped them carry something heavy, or having given them my seat on a crowded bus or train. I am sad to report that the latter response is much more common than the former. But, what can you do? If I were treated as a mouse all of my life, I would probably be suspicious and unappreciative, too.

Thanks for reading!

GBUJ

What Did I Do?

In my 17 years in Japan I have noticed something that always makes me wonder: Why do some women in Japan start crying in front of me?

Here is an example and my theory. Often I will sit down on the train and find myself sitting across from some 30-something beautiful woman. I don’t mind the eye-candy, but being happily married I sigh and go back to reading my newspaper or watching Californication (great show!) on my iPod. However, I soon feel eyes on me, I look up and make eye contact with the woman across from me. I ignore her. The train keeps on going and every once I will look up and find tears in the woman’s eyes. You may think I am imagining things, but I swear this has happened to me countless times in the past. Also the woman is always of a certain type: again mid to late 30s, obviously a working professional (well-educated and well-off), single (possibly divorced – it has become very common in Japan), and very stylish.  So what is going on with the tears? Simple, I believe these are cases of unrequited love or in layman’s terms, “the one-that-got-away.” For many years in Japan, marrying a non-Japanese  person was tantamount to blasphemy. In fact, it still is for many. But, strangely enough, it has become “cool” for many in recent years. In fact, by some accounts  over 20% of marriages (in some parts of Japan) are between a non-Japanese and a Japanese. Why the sudden “cachet” to international marriage? Some women, in particular, have shared their “happiness” with being married to non-Japanese men in the Japanese media, books, blogs, and so on. Then there is the seemingly endless number of “halves” showing up on Japanese TV. They are seen as cool or “kakko ii” by many in Japan, regardless of talent or lack thereof. Heck, I can remember a time when not being “pure” Japanese meant a lifetime of hell and discrimination in Japan, now it is seemingly acceptable. The same goes for kids catalogs. Now that I have kids of my own, I am shocked to see how many non-Japanese or mixed kids are used as models in clothing magazines. So, all these young women in Japan want that non-Japanese man – preferably a Western blond hair blue-eyed “darling” so they can have a cute or “kawaii” baby.

What these women fail to realize is the immense pressure on those relationships from the systematic racism that exists in Japan more times than not leads to their early demise. In fact, from what I have observed among friends  and acquaintances over the years in Japan, the number of international marriages between Japanese and non-Japanese probably has a divorce rate hovering around 60-70%. Possibly the highest in the world! So, going back to the women with the tears in their eyes. I think I may be reminding them of the one that got away. Life in Japan for non-Japanese is pretty stressful and if the Japanese partner is not willing to accept that fact and help out as much as possible, then I am pretty certain the relationship is doomed. Also, keep in mind my entry about “Who you are?” Relationships also end up being a numbers game. The Japanese spouse has their family and you are all alone. In their eyes, you have no choice but to bend to their will/demands. Being a singular “you” is not a position of power or respect in Japan.

Well, to the women crying across from me, what did you expect? Marriage isn’t easy. Hell any relationship is difficult! If you were too lazy to put in the effort and keep your man happy or help him deal with the racism, then that is your loss. Or maybe you met him while you were working or studying abroad? And he refused to come to Japan with you. Well, then he probably he was already aware of what was waiting for him and decided you were not worth it. In which case, suck it up and  move on with your life.  

Thanks for reading,

GBUJ