Until the Day I Die (Part one)

Hello, 

Sorry for not having written anything recently, but I have been so busy with work and life in general. It’s been just crazy this past semester! Anyway, as summer is finally here, things are slowing down at work and I can start writing and sharing again. 

 

In the coming days, I will be sharing three things that I will do until the day I die:

1.  Stay married to “The Missus,”

Now some may wonder what does this have to do with Japan? Well, all three of the aforementioned are directly related to my being in Japan. If fate (or God or the gods) had planned for me to stay in the States or go somewhere else, I doubt I would be living the life I am. Having said that, I can honestly say I have no regrets. The quality of life in Tokyo isn’t the best, but I am sure that any city/country will have its challenges.

But sticking to my point, I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman who is the mother of two nut-cases – I  mean two lovely boys! She is a soulmate if there ever was one and while I complain about her inability to tidy up the house (I do more housework than she does!) I really can’t complain. Many would say she is lucky, but I think we both are. People I meet on both sides of the Pacific have asked me over the years (going on 20! – since we first met) why did I choose to go out with a Japanese woman. I honestly answer that it never crossed my mind that she was Japanese. She is “Kazumi” or more recently “The Missus” and her nationality is irrelevant to me. She is honest, hard-working, a wonderful throwback to the woman of yesteryear who can do anything: sew, quilt, cook, clean, make unbelievably complex lunches for the kids, you name it. And yet, she is very modern. She has her master’s degree in counseling psychology (both her BA and MA are from our alma mater in the States), is a published author, is a partner in a counseling clinic, teaches part-time at a medical university, never forgets to recycle, and sings pretty well, too! Lastly, I doubt if there is anyone on the planet who knows me better. All of which has not one iota to do with her not having the same nationality, religious background, or socioeconomic status. With so little in common originally, we have learned from one another about each other and ourselves and consequently have grown through our time together. Perfect? Nope. Easy? Definitely not! Happy? You bet your ass! 

 

Stay tuned for #2 on my list! 

 

GBUJ

Eeek! It’s a Woman!

This time I am going to write about the often shocking truth about male-female relationships in Japan.

Generally speaking, my friends and I have noticed over the years that men in Japan just don’t seem to like women. In fact, we are pretty certain that if given the chance to choose, most men (90%?!) would prefer the company of other men. Now don’t misunderstand what I am saying, I am not making any statement about sex or sexual preference, but just sharing the fact that men in Japan don’t seem to know how to relate to women and like being amongst other men. What else could explain “customs” such as men eating together, drinking togteher, and even going to the bathroom together – not holding hands, but almost! Or, the quaint custom of men completely ignoring women. On countless occasions, I have been in my workplace walking from here to there with a female friend, we meet a male colleague and my friend is completely ignored! Doesn’t matter who the woman is either! Men will say “hi” to me and nothing whatsoever to my colleague. Why? One theory I have is the “Eeek! It’s a Woman Theory.” For many men in Japan, a woman is similar to a mouse: something smaller, insignificant, generally harmless, and yet when troublesome worthy of a good whack.

Just as in any culture, size matters and while men in Japan aren’t generally giants, the woman are smaller and therefore from a physicality aspect – perceived as the weaker sex. Second, there is definitely a “bamboo” ceiling in corporate and academia Japan. For some reason, women in Japan just can’t be taken seriously. I work with some very highly educated women and I really feel for them! They get little or no respect for their achievements or hard work. They are easily passed over for promotion and generally expected to quit work once they marry and get pregnant. Of course, one of the main reasons for getting married in Japan (over 50% of the time) is pregnancy. Since no one will help with raising the child, the mother has no choice but to stay home. While foreign women in Japan are treated a little better than their counterparts, I have seen so much misogynism in my time in Japan that I count my lucky stars that I am a man!

How bad can it get? Well, the “whack” I mention above is not meant in any metaphorical sense whatsoever! A good portion of the male population will feel at ease beating a woman. Best examples – politicians and police. As I mentioned in a previous posting there are “gaps” in language. Just as there is no word for privacy in Japanese there is also no word for domestic violence. If there is no word, then how can you have a law banning it? Now, in fairness, there is a term in katakana for domestic violence, but like so many other borrowed words/ideas from the West/English, no two people in Japan would give you the same definition of DV. If a husband, boyfriend, stranger, or even a stalker hits a woman, there is often little punishment. I have read numerous stories in newspapers about the punishments (or lack thereof) for men who rape, beat, or even kill female acquaintances. However, interestingly enough, when the tables are turned, it is depressing to note that wives who kill their husbands (often due to years of beatings) often get the book thrown at them. Go figure!

Anyway, I thought I would share something about the sexes in Japan. Of course, turnabout is fair play and generally speaking women don’t really want to hang out with the men either. They prefer their girlfriends. But, what are the consequences? Well, when a gentleman (such as yours truly) treats a women with respect, kindness, and courtesy, one of two things generally happens: a) they really appreciate the treatment or b) they are shocked and mistrustful and often show no appreciation whatsoever for my having held the door for them, helped them carry something heavy, or having given them my seat on a crowded bus or train. I am sad to report that the latter response is much more common than the former. But, what can you do? If I were treated as a mouse all of my life, I would probably be suspicious and unappreciative, too.

Thanks for reading!

GBUJ