In my 17 years in Japan I have noticed something that always makes me wonder: Why do some women in Japan start crying in front of me?
Here is an example and my theory. Often I will sit down on the train and find myself sitting across from some 30-something beautiful woman. I don’t mind the eye-candy, but being happily married I sigh and go back to reading my newspaper or watching Californication (great show!) on my iPod. However, I soon feel eyes on me, I look up and make eye contact with the woman across from me. I ignore her. The train keeps on going and every once I will look up and find tears in the woman’s eyes. You may think I am imagining things, but I swear this has happened to me countless times in the past. Also the woman is always of a certain type: again mid to late 30s, obviously a working professional (well-educated and well-off), single (possibly divorced – it has become very common in Japan), and very stylish. So what is going on with the tears? Simple, I believe these are cases of unrequited love or in layman’s terms, “the one-that-got-away.” For many years in Japan, marrying a non-Japanese person was tantamount to blasphemy. In fact, it still is for many. But, strangely enough, it has become “cool” for many in recent years. In fact, by some accounts over 20% of marriages (in some parts of Japan) are between a non-Japanese and a Japanese. Why the sudden “cachet” to international marriage? Some women, in particular, have shared their “happiness” with being married to non-Japanese men in the Japanese media, books, blogs, and so on. Then there is the seemingly endless number of “halves” showing up on Japanese TV. They are seen as cool or “kakko ii” by many in Japan, regardless of talent or lack thereof. Heck, I can remember a time when not being “pure” Japanese meant a lifetime of hell and discrimination in Japan, now it is seemingly acceptable. The same goes for kids catalogs. Now that I have kids of my own, I am shocked to see how many non-Japanese or mixed kids are used as models in clothing magazines. So, all these young women in Japan want that non-Japanese man – preferably a Western blond hair blue-eyed “darling” so they can have a cute or “kawaii” baby.
What these women fail to realize is the immense pressure on those relationships from the systematic racism that exists in Japan more times than not leads to their early demise. In fact, from what I have observed among friends and acquaintances over the years in Japan, the number of international marriages between Japanese and non-Japanese probably has a divorce rate hovering around 60-70%. Possibly the highest in the world! So, going back to the women with the tears in their eyes. I think I may be reminding them of the one that got away. Life in Japan for non-Japanese is pretty stressful and if the Japanese partner is not willing to accept that fact and help out as much as possible, then I am pretty certain the relationship is doomed. Also, keep in mind my entry about “Who you are?” Relationships also end up being a numbers game. The Japanese spouse has their family and you are all alone. In their eyes, you have no choice but to bend to their will/demands. Being a singular “you” is not a position of power or respect in Japan.
Well, to the women crying across from me, what did you expect? Marriage isn’t easy. Hell any relationship is difficult! If you were too lazy to put in the effort and keep your man happy or help him deal with the racism, then that is your loss. Or maybe you met him while you were working or studying abroad? And he refused to come to Japan with you. Well, then he probably he was already aware of what was waiting for him and decided you were not worth it. In which case, suck it up and move on with your life.
Thanks for reading,
GBUJ
